Fear

Andre Harris

 

Fear.

Outgoing, Friendly, and Happy.
All of these have been used to describe me…to develop my
identity.

What if i told you that all of it is just a ruse…nothing more than an alternate personality created by a little 8 year old boy?

This…This…Mask i wear…

I’ve grown so accustomed to putting it on…it hurts to tell you all about this symbiotic relationship.

This alternative personality has infected all of my memories, all of the things that make me…me.

It courses through my body like a virulent toxin, it’s like a giant explosion deep inside of me that sows nothing but Destruction, and Discord in my soul.

But it’s become my addiction….The high i get from making myself feel….Acceptable, Funny, Outgoing….And Loved.

I sometimes feel like a hopeless addict….just the high i get from letting it take over…each time losing more and more of myself,
but it feels so right…so enticing.

The relationship i have with it is the ultimate intimacy….our souls interlaced like the fingers of star crossed lovers, bound together by our many fears,the moments where i ran to it for comfort….clutching to it for dear life like a baby clutching it’s mother, The time that it defended me and i nearly lost it…

We all have some sort of monster…locked away in our deepest
part of the mind.

My monster has consumed me…made me a part of it. That 8 year old was the catalyst…a soul had to be forfeit so i could be better.

I am now willingly sacrificed daily to this monster so that i can get through a day without breaking down, so that i am consumed by an all encompassing, undying will to be better…to never disappoint anyone ever again.  I refuse to watch another person walk away from me, or kill themselves with their last words being they were…disappointed. That is my number one fear…losing someone
because I wasn’t enough.

 

<Previous (Noah Jenkins)                                                                              Next (Maya Travers) >