The Difficulty Growing
R.N. Lamb
I miss the days when I could walk down the street and see the sun
Not wondering if this day would be my last.
And I miss the bubblegum stuck to my cheek and the milkshakes I’d buy
With the last couple quarters in my pocket.
And I miss lying down in the grass in my yard
Without being afraid of
Bullies at school or stressing about college—
You gotta go to college.
Get up, get straight, you won’t make it unless you got it—
I got it, I do.
I’m sorry for the D’s and F’s Mom.
I’m sorry I’m not at my best, Mom.
I’m scared of growing up but growing up is all I do
And I’m not ready.
Not ready.
I miss the days when I could learn in school, not lock myself in the bathroom
So I can panic and cry and not be called weak.
And I miss the days where the clouds over my head were fluffy and white
Not deep gray and bleak.
And I miss the summertime and the hot sun baking the streets
Walking on the asphalt with bare feet, free as a bird.
“Absurd,” they tell me,
“15 almost 16, 16 almost 17,”
Where does it get me?
How does this system correct me
Because right now I’m not ready
Not ready to grow up, graduate get a job
Settle down in a small town with rugrats of my own?
Slow down, they say,
You’re only 15, you’re only 16.
Grow up, they say,
You’re 15, you’re 16.
I’m struggling, Mom
And Dad. Understand
I’m sorry I’m not the bright-eyed girl you planned
For me to be as I entered high school
And left with a diploma
Leaving college with a degree.
Right now I hardly want to be me.
Recurring Dream
R.N. Lamb
I’ve had the same dream for a couple nights. In this dream, I always die.
On a roof under fireworks that burst with colors in the sky. There’s never any warning,
but a chilling sense of doom. I don’t know from which way it comes,
or what kills me, or whom. There’re large hands lightly on my back,
and a voice that says, you’re fine. A part of me fears this quiet voice
that sends rivers down my spine. I stare at the frozen sky with flowers made of sparks.
I’m falling straight down toward the ground. Everything goes dark.
SHOUT 